i'm in love lockdown.

people say its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

i'd like to think i've loved at all, but as it turns out, rotten details of my three year relationship with matt are surfacing, detailing that perhaps he was just humoring me or he felt bad for me, so for some undetermined amount of time he didn't actually love me like i thought he did.

see i never thought i'd have to worry about this stuff. i never thought i'd be alone in caseys apartment texting some fucking douchebag, offering my blowjob services to him. i never thought i'd have to worry about being alone forever. i also over estimated my blowjob giving abilities apparently.

it just hurts so much. my heart hurts. my chest hurts. its been three months and he isn't ever coming back. why am i having vivid flashbacks of my favorite memories of him? everything went so so wrong and i keep blaming myself but i can't pretend like it wasn't my fault. yeah, he waited for somethign better and set up a relationship with another person before he ended ours, but the fact that he had to do that means i was doing something wrong. i'm beside myself. i don't know whats up and down, i don't know whats right and wrong.

and then victor happened and it went away, even for just moments at a time.

that first time...

i dont know.

i cant keep dwelling on it since he offically ended it tonight.

i just want the pain to stop.

it hurts so bad.

and it makes me think that i would be better off not knowing what its like to be loved. because i don't think i have it in me to love like that again. and i don't think i'll have another chance.

no one wants damaged goods.

Happy easter everybody.

its too bad that jesus didn't exist and religion poisons everything.

at least we have peeps!

so for my "effective speaking" class we have to do a persuasive speech demonstrating a problem and being prosoulition to said problem...

i have NO idea what to do it on.


WHO HAS A GOOD CONTROVERSIAL PROBLEM / SPEECH TOPIC???

in return, i will give you this cute picture of my roommates dog:

( bribery )

i am desperate, broke, and considering coinstarring all my loose change i found from the move and get another tattoo.

i hit the cat really hard today. she was on my desk, trying to knock over the hamster cage. i lunged at her and caught her and screamed at her and slapped her and kicked her out of the room and slammed the door in her face. she is evil.

( Vasa Kitty )

fucking devil spawn.
also, lexi peed on the floor. so i had to yell at her too. PETS GONE WILD.


in other news,

i just finished twilight. should i start new moon or harry potter? why do i only read tween lit?

also;

( oh )

i thought this was really funny.

there is definitely something wrong with me.

i miss johnny a lot lately. i think about a variety of thinks in the span of seconds, and he seems to keep cycling through my thoughts. i keep day dreaming about the last time i saw him. how i gave him a hug. when he asked sarah to prom, leaned over her at the end of the table. how i was looking at them, smiling, encouraging. the time i invited him over amandas house, and how he was so mad we called val. how i was in love with ilya, so bad it made my chest hurt.

i wish i could feel that way again.

i miss knowing he was around. i miss the times we spent together, i miss our conversations. i miss his laugh.

my brian is on hyperdrive, more normally than it usually is.

right now i miss driving by the cross on the side of the road. ever since i moved from the middle of nowhere, MA to satans butthole, MA, i can't go past his crash site and listen to jeff buckley. i can't do a lot of things.

besides lurking in the constant shadow of the concept of death, my mind has been elsewhere all day. i have been considering just staying up all night, but even as i type that sentence, my eyes seem heavier and heavier. there are no dogs in my room tonight.

and i also wonder how it would feel if i did what i actually wanted to do. i feel like the shell i created around myself doesn't allow the concept of love or exciting new possibilities enter it at all; rather i have become a vessel for favors and a shoulder to cry on. and when i cry, it seems worthless compared to the sorrows of others, my friends. i depend too much on myself, just as they all depend too much on me. i can't drive to get something for you, i can't drive you somewhere, i can't bring you food and i can't listen to your issues.

but obviously i can, and if i want to change, i still don't think i should stop. people need me, they need my dependability, my perfect timing. they need me to be there to know exactly what to say to diffuse a situation, to break up jake and amy's fight so they dont go to bed mad at eachother, to make cara feel included when she doesn't feel it. i need to be there to observe and correct people to make them feel better. without me, they would be as dark and lonely as i am feeling right now.

lets not make this a yearly event, but;

1. i am re-reading twilight ... oh
2. two years, one of which i was EF
3. i can't torrent for the life of me, and amy just cancelled my torrent, so i am contemplating spending real money on the audio book of the second harry potter.
4. i had a meltdown last night because of youknowwho
5. i hate ykw
6. blah blah blah emo blah blah blah

WTF

1. Pick 15 of your favourite movies.
2. Go to IMDb, and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. No Googling/using IMDb search functions.

1. Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission... quest... thing. THE LORD OF THE RINGS

2. Do you find me sadistic? You know, I bet I could fry an egg on your head right now, if I wanted to. You know, Kiddo, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. Well, maybe towards those other... jokers, but not you. No Kiddo, at this moment, this is me at my most... masochistic. KILL BILL

3. First person that comes out this fucking door gets a lead salad, you understand? FIGHT CLUB

4. Hey Manny!
What?
Get your cousin outta that clown costume. Havin' that heat stroke again. Scarin' white folks.
I'm hot! Makeup's melting, hurts my eyes!

5. Beth's still in the truck.
What?
SLUT IN TRUCK!JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE

6. Fuck her yet?
Working on it.
Loser.
Blow me.
Call me later? CRUEL INTENTIONS

7. I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break!

8. WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND ANCHORMAN

9. Those guys should be sterilized. And I'm not kidding at all. WAITING

10. Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please, Matt! Fuck her for me! For me! THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

11. Your shirt is stupid. Grow up. JUNO

12. Wow! I cannot believe you're not retarded!

13. Elizabeth, I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN : CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

14. I'll just enjoy this glass of water.
[takes a sip]
Mmm, I'm stuffed. JUST FRIENDS

15. Feed me a stray cat.